Posted in Movie reviews

The past 9 months

Hello everybody,

This will be a true test of the WordPress “Schedule post” function. You won’t find out until later, but by the time you do I will have had a baby. Yes, a real life miniature human will be added to our story.

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Several things are going through my mind as I’m writing this, namely;

  • Will we like each other? – I’ve had the opportunity over these months to speak to many mothers, grandmothers , etc and they have all assured me that I already possess unconditional love for my ‘bundle of joy’ , my ‘precious gift’ . I call bullshit on this. I have no doubt I will feel something incredible when she finally arrives, but I also know that I will need to take some time to get to know her after she rips through my vag. Mothers – you know I’m right.
  • How will our cat cope? – I know he knows already. He treats me with increasing suspicion and I’m convinced he is only here because of the food.
  • We will never be alone again – Although we have both wanted this to happen for a number of years, the reality of it all is starting to set in. Almost everything we do now, we are doing for the last time as a two-some. It’s a sad feeling. But it’s the same kind of sadness I feel saying goodbye to ones I love at the airport; you know you have better times ahead and you will after all see them again, and everything will be fine.
  • Keeping her alive – I’ve managed to do this for 9 months. It’s going well so far.

Mostly, I cannot wait to see how we do this. Our very own person that we can shape into whatever we want.

 

Posted in Comedy, Humour, Life, Miscellaneous, Reviews

The past 9 months

Hello everybody,

It’s been a while but, we’ve been busy. In fact, you could say this post has been 9 months in the making. Can you see where I’m going with this?

Yes , the past year has been a roller-coaster ride of working, travelling, living life and mostly being very very pregnant. I often thought of writing about the experience but in all honesty I would not be writing anything new that you wouldn’t already know from other websites. Those 9 months were a pretty standard template of feeling sick, feeling okay, swollen feet, face, swollen everything, etc.

What I can write about however is the labour. The fun bit. The bit that every woman who has ever been pregnant apparently ‘forgets’ as soon as it’s over. I am pretty certain that women all over the world have a secret pact to never speak honestly about this experience, particularly the last half hour or so.

 

If you don’t know me personally; I like detail, I like specifics. When I asked my friends, family and colleagues about their experiences in order to better prepare myself, this was as much information as I managed to get from them:

“You will feel a slight pressure”

“My back hurt quite a bit, but it passed quickly”

“You need to push like you’re passing the biggest No. 2 in the world”

“It’s over very quickly, you’ll forget it as soon as you see your baby”

Guys – the world would be a much smaller place if you only knew. Literally, there would be fewer people being born if you only knew.

Would you describe a car crusher in a scrap yard as applying ‘slight pressure’ ? I think not.

If you were a key-hole and your No. 2 was a planet, then yes it is indeed like passing the biggest No. 2 in the world.

Days before I went in to labour, we had a plumber come in to fix our toilet. He had four children. He jokingly said to me,’I heard the experience has been likened to being burned alive’. I now believe I must have misunderstood his tone at the time because I’m pretty certain he was being serious.

In the final minutes of pushing, several things went through my mind:

– I must remember to change my Facebook status to ‘Just Friends’ with my husband

– Why did everyone lie to me?

– This is actually worse than watching The Revenant

– Why don’t people get paid for this?

When it was over and I held our baby, yes there was a feeling of relief and I’m sitting here one week later finding it more and more difficult to remember the exact sensations. It helps that the baby is the best baby there ever was. But believe me, I still cross my legs and clench whenever I think about how she got here.

So there we are. If you want to know more than a blogs-worth post, ask away. I am in the meantime slowly making a return to blogging when I can.

Until next time 🙂