Posted in Comedy, Humour, Life, Miscellaneous, Reviews

The past 9 months

Hello everybody,

It’s been a while but, we’ve been busy. In fact, you could say this post has been 9 months in the making. Can you see where I’m going with this?

Yes , the past year has been a roller-coaster ride of working, travelling, living life and mostly being very very pregnant. I often thought of writing about the experience but in all honesty I would not be writing anything new that you wouldn’t already know from other websites. Those 9 months were a pretty standard template of feeling sick, feeling okay, swollen feet, face, swollen everything, etc.

What I can write about however is the labour. The fun bit. The bit that every woman who has ever been pregnant apparently ‘forgets’ as soon as it’s over. I am pretty certain that women all over the world have a secret pact to never speak honestly about this experience, particularly the last half hour or so.

 

If you don’t know me personally; I like detail, I like specifics. When I asked my friends, family and colleagues about their experiences in order to better prepare myself, this was as much information as I managed to get from them:

“You will feel a slight pressure”

“My back hurt quite a bit, but it passed quickly”

“You need to push like you’re passing the biggest No. 2 in the world”

“It’s over very quickly, you’ll forget it as soon as you see your baby”

Guys – the world would be a much smaller place if you only knew. Literally, there would be fewer people being born if you only knew.

Would you describe a car crusher in a scrap yard as applying ‘slight pressure’ ? I think not.

If you were a key-hole and your No. 2 was a planet, then yes it is indeed like passing the biggest No. 2 in the world.

Days before I went in to labour, we had a plumber come in to fix our toilet. He had four children. He jokingly said to me,’I heard the experience has been likened to being burned alive’. I now believe I must have misunderstood his tone at the time because I’m pretty certain he was being serious.

In the final minutes of pushing, several things went through my mind:

– I must remember to change my Facebook status to ‘Just Friends’ with my husband

– Why did everyone lie to me?

– This is actually worse than watching The Revenant

– Why don’t people get paid for this?

When it was over and I held our baby, yes there was a feeling of relief and I’m sitting here one week later finding it more and more difficult to remember the exact sensations. It helps that the baby is the best baby there ever was. But believe me, I still cross my legs and clench whenever I think about how she got here.

So there we are. If you want to know more than a blogs-worth post, ask away. I am in the meantime slowly making a return to blogging when I can.

Until next time 🙂

 

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