Lana, tomorrow I turn 31. Unlike yourself at the moment, I unfortunately do not count my age in months . This is my actual yearly age you see ( I know I know , hard to believe).
So here are some things that have happened to you and to me:
– You are really getting the hang of talking. You can count to 10. You can sing the alphabet . And you can sing happy birthday (“happy .. to you “) . You have no idea what any of this means yet. Or maybe you do?
– You are starting to get dangerously free and curious. It’s a strange feeling watching you run towards a flight of stone stairs, or climbing your pram and doing a “trust fall” as if you were on a motivational boot camp. It’s a strange feeling because I want you to keep doing what you’re doing and to keep learning , but I also want you to stop doing it and calm down because I want to finish my coffee without feeling like I’m dieing.
– You had your first febrile seizure. This is a less fun one to talk about but it was a milestone like any other or rather, like no other. This particular moment with you was not one I want to have again (no offence , you’re great but …) ; after a speedy rise in temperature your brain quite literally couldn’t handle the load and seized on you for a minute or so. You were fine two minutes later .
– We on the other hand were not so fine. After months of sickness spells in your nursery, near enough constant debates about whether or not we sent you there too early, and the final nail-in-the-coffin-seizure , I resigned. You will, as of next month, be going to nursery two days a week and will have me full time every other day. (Please don’t freak out, this is temporary). (If you are reading this as a teenager and I am still not working – please call for help immediately)
– I’m a little scared Lana. This kind of reverse-maternity leave doesn’t seem so common and for the first time in a very long time, I really have no plan. I’ve also been reading and re-reading a lot of Roxane Gay novels – you won’t know her yet but she is one of the feminists of our time and what I’m doing with my professional life right now does not feel like the feminist of my time – so I’m scared.
Mostly though , I am so excited to just be with you for as long as I can be.
We will go on trips, walks, we will do nothing and everything . And on the days you are socialising in nursery, I’m going to do whatever the hell I want.