Posted in Humour, Life, Miscellaneous

You at 9 months

Lana, I’m writing these letters to you in the hope that one day (maybe when you’ve done something really bad), I can whip them out as blackmail, a little guilt trip back in time, like any good mother would do. But also, and mainly, because I never want to forget this.

This is my first letter.

As I type this, you are at Daffodils Nursery. A cute little name for a place we dreaded these last few months. We debated (your father and I . I don’t debate with many more people) whether to place you there , for how many hours, days , etc, until the time came for both of us to start working again and off you went.

I’m not going to beat about the bush here … you hated it. I was impressed by your ability to recognise the street we were on so that you could cry its’ entire length before we got to the door.

But you are better now. Much better.

Zoe, your key worker, has told me you are the happiest baby there. Although I’m not sure that says a lot. All the other children there have what some people nowadays (it’s 2016) are calling “Resting Bitch Face”.

When you come home later, it will be dinner-time. One of the most fun times now that you’re mastering how to use your hands.  You haven’t quite managed to master the pincer movement to get food into your mouth, but for a girl who didn’t have any nerve endings in her fingers until recently you’re not doing so bad . (Don’t freak out – *all* babies don’t have nerve endings there in the beginning).

You talk to us constantly. The early mornings and late evenings are your favourite times for babbling. You also talk to everything else ; the cat, your teddy bears, the floor, the washing machine, the fridge, everything.

I talk to you in Serbian as much as I can in the hope that one day you will master both languages, and I can go home to your grandparents, grand aunts and uncles and not feel completely mortified that you don’t speak the language.

Night-times are a topic of conversation all the time. Mostly because you sleep like a baby (i.e. in very short intervals). I’m not sure why this has taken both your father and I by surprise, but it has. I guess we just hoped you’d have gotten the hang of sleeping by now. (Who doesn’t like sleeping!? I’ll tell you who… Lana). I want to tell you that the world will *not* end if you sleep for longer than two hours at a time. But you have other plans, I get it.

All in all Lana, we can’t do life without you now. So I’ll check in here every now and again to tell you how it’s going.

Until next time .

Mama

 

Posted in Comedy, Humour, Life, Miscellaneous

Sleep fairy

Hello everybody,

Of the plethora of things no-one prepares you for with a baby, sleep (or lack of it ) isn’t it . Errrrbody has a word of advice about sleep, or an opinion at the very least. 

Sleep when baby sleeps . Careful, don’t fall asleep when baby sleeps . 

Sleep with baby close to you in the first 6 months . Don’t sleep with baby in your bed.

Make sure you feed the baby when she wakes up. Don’t feed the baby to sleep .

Here is our current sleeping arrangement:

Over the past five months I’ve had so many conversations about my babies sleep patterns I’ve lost count. 

It turns out , sleep has gotten complicated . There are (I shit you not ) people called “Sleep fairies” , who will charge you huge sums of money to tell you how to ‘sleep train’ your baby. 

There are also (to name a few): workshops , online courses , coffee mornings and other general bullshitty gatherings that will be 1% useful and 99% will make you feel like you have damaged your babies sleep patterns forever . *cue visions of my child in her twenties waking every two hours . 

Sleep , I have decided , is one of those things which I will refuse to teach my baby. She has got this

Last week , she was awake every two hours. Last night , she slept for 10 hours straight. Nothing I did in the previous week or night before changed . She has got this.

Yes, i nurse her to sleep every single time, and many of those times will leave her to sleep next to me. I have been told by health visitors, GPs, and other mothers that this is a bad idea. And on the nights that she woke every two hours , I couldn’t help wondering whether they were right. 

But they’re not right . I’m right and I’m doing the right thing. Because after a stretch of ‘bad’ sleeping , she wakes up and does something she didn’t know the previous week. She sits, she starts crawling , she babbles and looks at me as if to say ,”You think growing is easy ?!”.

So if you’re reading this and were just about to book an appointment with a ‘sleep fairy ‘ : don’t. They shouldn’t be selling  a solution if there isn’t a problem. 

Save your money. Buy some shoes, coffee, make-up, a garden hose, anything will be better.

And on that note, I’m off to do exactly that 🙂 

Posted in Movie reviews

Change of topic 

Hello everybody , 

Not much reviewing going on here is there ? I think it’s time to make this blog a little more current and relevant , so I will be giving it a new name , new look and new topic ! (Note* – topic is highly likely to be baby related . Does the world need another parent blogging about their child ? Probably not . But you have a baby and then try not to talk about it ) 

Brainstorming in progress ! 

Until next time … 

Posted in Comedy, Humour, Life, Miscellaneous

Kitty Emergency

Hello everybody,

It’s been an eventful week in our household.

  • We had our first week of real sunny weather and the baby had her first taste of no trousers. (She still had a nappy on – I’m not a monster )
  • We went to a baby swimming class
  • Our cat Batman almost died

That last one is no exaggeration. After approximately 9 weeks of being around a new baby, we thought he was coping relatively well; he was still eating, drinking, and generally being a cat. Last week however, he stopped doing all of that.

We took him to the vet to discover that the additional stressor (i.e. baby ) had caused his immune system to drop, which then caused his cat-hepatitis (?!), which made him jaundiced, dehydrated and lethargic.

It cost us over £300 to find this out and put him on a drip overnight (That’s right – cats go on drips. Who knew!). We didn’t have pet insurance because we were stupid. He’s two years old, we thought. What could go wrong? . Cat hepatitis everybody. Cat hepatitis.

He is now back home and seems to be recovering. We broke our rule about not allowing him in to the bedroom and bought him the most expensive cat food so we could feel less guilty.

In other news, baby is growing. She is literally a different baby every week and I find myself sending photos to everyone I know and posting things on instagram like those people I swore I’d never be . You see this? This is our baby this week. Next week? Different baby.

Every little move she makes, every little thing she learns how to do for the first time I find incredible and great, but very sad at the same time because it’s one more thing she can do on her own without me. I want her to know everything and nothing at the same time. I want her to grow, but I also want her to be a little zombie baby that just looks at me all day being cute.

Well, that’s all I have time for today 🙂 Have a great weekend folks, I’m off to figure out how to give Batman his antibiotic. Just mix it in with his food, they said. I’d like to see you try it Mr Vet.

 

Posted in Humour, Life, Miscellaneous

Life with a little person

Hello everybody,

To those just tuning in, it has now been 7 weeks since the arrival of our baby. I have some spare moments to tell you how it has been (*update – it has taken me three weeks to complete this post. I keep revisiting this line ).

In a nutshell, baby spends most of her time living as I remember doing when I was a teenager:

  • She eats all the time and only eats one thing.
  • She naps during the day and stays up most nights.
  • She smiles when she hears the Red Hot Chilli Peppers (actually this only happened once but I’m hoping it’s a sign of things to come).
  • She likes baths.

And that’s about it for now.

I have spent these weeks researching what I can do with her when she’s awake, because it terrifies me that eventually she will be awake all the time and I’m going to have to be an entertaining individual during this period.

Here are some things I found you can do or take your baby to:

  • Baby yoga – this is an actual real life activity that is maybe suitable for the more seasoned mother. For now, I can’t imagine doing a downward facing dog anytime soon. Namaste.
  • Baby sensory play – Here your baby will hone all her senses to perfection so that she can tell the difference between a sheep and a piece of wood.
  • Baby swimming – Self explanatory
  • Baby cinema – If it’s the last thing I do, this baby will go to a baby cinema! For those living in London , some cinemas and picture-houses do a ‘Big Scream’ screening of the latest movies or independent films and they are tailored to have you sitting there with your baby (i.e the sound is lower, space to feed , etc) and able to enjoy.

Life has otherwise carried on as normal and we do everything as a threesome. Our cat is still adjusting.

She’s awake.. so until next time, have a great week folks! 🙂

 

 

Posted in Movie reviews

The past 9 months

Hello everybody,

This will be a true test of the WordPress “Schedule post” function. You won’t find out until later, but by the time you do I will have had a baby. Yes, a real life miniature human will be added to our story.

IMAG1040

Several things are going through my mind as I’m writing this, namely;

  • Will we like each other? – I’ve had the opportunity over these months to speak to many mothers, grandmothers , etc and they have all assured me that I already possess unconditional love for my ‘bundle of joy’ , my ‘precious gift’ . I call bullshit on this. I have no doubt I will feel something incredible when she finally arrives, but I also know that I will need to take some time to get to know her after she rips through my vag. Mothers – you know I’m right.
  • How will our cat cope? – I know he knows already. He treats me with increasing suspicion and I’m convinced he is only here because of the food.
  • We will never be alone again – Although we have both wanted this to happen for a number of years, the reality of it all is starting to set in. Almost everything we do now, we are doing for the last time as a two-some. It’s a sad feeling. But it’s the same kind of sadness I feel saying goodbye to ones I love at the airport; you know you have better times ahead and you will after all see them again, and everything will be fine.
  • Keeping her alive – I’ve managed to do this for 9 months. It’s going well so far.

Mostly, I cannot wait to see how we do this. Our very own person that we can shape into whatever we want.

 

Posted in Comedy, Humour, Life, Miscellaneous, Reviews

The past 9 months

Hello everybody,

It’s been a while but, we’ve been busy. In fact, you could say this post has been 9 months in the making. Can you see where I’m going with this?

Yes , the past year has been a roller-coaster ride of working, travelling, living life and mostly being very very pregnant. I often thought of writing about the experience but in all honesty I would not be writing anything new that you wouldn’t already know from other websites. Those 9 months were a pretty standard template of feeling sick, feeling okay, swollen feet, face, swollen everything, etc.

What I can write about however is the labour. The fun bit. The bit that every woman who has ever been pregnant apparently ‘forgets’ as soon as it’s over. I am pretty certain that women all over the world have a secret pact to never speak honestly about this experience, particularly the last half hour or so.

 

If you don’t know me personally; I like detail, I like specifics. When I asked my friends, family and colleagues about their experiences in order to better prepare myself, this was as much information as I managed to get from them:

“You will feel a slight pressure”

“My back hurt quite a bit, but it passed quickly”

“You need to push like you’re passing the biggest No. 2 in the world”

“It’s over very quickly, you’ll forget it as soon as you see your baby”

Guys – the world would be a much smaller place if you only knew. Literally, there would be fewer people being born if you only knew.

Would you describe a car crusher in a scrap yard as applying ‘slight pressure’ ? I think not.

If you were a key-hole and your No. 2 was a planet, then yes it is indeed like passing the biggest No. 2 in the world.

Days before I went in to labour, we had a plumber come in to fix our toilet. He had four children. He jokingly said to me,’I heard the experience has been likened to being burned alive’. I now believe I must have misunderstood his tone at the time because I’m pretty certain he was being serious.

In the final minutes of pushing, several things went through my mind:

– I must remember to change my Facebook status to ‘Just Friends’ with my husband

– Why did everyone lie to me?

– This is actually worse than watching The Revenant

– Why don’t people get paid for this?

When it was over and I held our baby, yes there was a feeling of relief and I’m sitting here one week later finding it more and more difficult to remember the exact sensations. It helps that the baby is the best baby there ever was. But believe me, I still cross my legs and clench whenever I think about how she got here.

So there we are. If you want to know more than a blogs-worth post, ask away. I am in the meantime slowly making a return to blogging when I can.

Until next time 🙂