It’s 5am. Probably not the best idea to be writing anything but I am about as alert at 5am as I am at 2am , or 2pm, it’s all the same.
It has been two years and this child (because she is a child now, not a baby) , still wakes every 2-3 hours each night. I try to talk about this as little as possible with other people because the solutions they offer are something I don’t want to try ; I don’t want to leave her to cry.
That being said, I know enough about my psychology to know that I need to let it out occasionally before I suffer from a mental break.
So Lana , this is a f*** you letter.
– I’m typing this with my left hand because my right arm is trapped under your head; the only way you would fall asleep after your 4am wake up was to be held this way. I lost the sensation in my arm about 30 minutes ago .
– the above said 4am wake up was not the only one. You were up at 11.30 and 2am.
– your father and I plan our divorce every night now . I’ve never known a more bipolar relationship as we appear to be fine every morning and all day until ..(11.30, 2am,4am..)
– as you know , I left work. Was it to be with you ? Of course. Was it also because I failed to concentrate and started to make some pretty big professional mistakes ? Of fucking course. Ironically I start work again tomorrow but only for two days a week – about as much as I can handle.
– I don’t look the same. Once we stopped breastfeeding and all the good hormones well and truly disappeared, what followed was a weight gain of 5 kgs and skin that is a puberty throwback. When you eat relatively well and walk an average of 20,000 steps a day, this makes no sense – until you take a closer look at that sleep pattern.
– Family planning – at this point , some people might start thinking about having another child. We think about it often. And then nighttime happens. We are both terrified of going through this again.
I hear it all the time. “This will pass soon”, “you will miss it when it’s gone “.
No and no. It’s been two years and I will not miss this.
Your head has just shifted off my arm and I can feel the blood coming back.
Sleeping like a baby… what a joke .
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